“You know what’s gonna happen when you die? You’re gonna rot in the ground. And people are gonna go on living, and they’re gonna forget all about you. And when you rot, do you think it’s gonna matter whether you were an original gangster? You’re dead. And nobody, nobody is gonna wanna remember you…”—Hilary Swank as Erin Gruwell (Freedom Writers, 2007)
You squeezed me like a lemon Please don’t let me go I counted from one to ten You released me by the time I got to one It was nothing but a hug No big deal As you turned away I opened my mouth With words I wanted to say I love you I’ve always loved you Ever since we were 12 All this time, you were the one I’ve needed Everyday, you’re the only thing on my mind But those words didn’t come out Instead I sighed And said, goodbye
This morning, I woke up around 3:00am. I turned on the TV and ended up watching a movie, A.I. Artificial Intelligence. After the movie was over, I had a very hard time trying to go back to sleep. After 2 or 3 hours, I was able to fall back asleep… only to find myself trapped inside a number dreams and nightmares. As stated by Cobb in Inception, "Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up we realize something was actually strange."
There were a few dreams during that slumber that made no sense and held little significance but one of them, just one, stood out the most. That single dream, I remember almost every detail of it… almost as if it was real. And I swear, it felt way too real. Names will be changed to protect their identities. Here it goes:
It was the first day of my second year of college. It was a Monday. I knew my schedule, Geography, Computer Science, Physics, and Calculus but I didn’t remember where the classrooms were. I went to my first class, Geography and blanked out the whole session due to boredom and then I left the classroom and I saw a friend of mine. Her name is Kayla. Although I’ve only met her just 2 years ago during my senior year of high school, I’ve always had a sense of closeness and comfort with her. We go to the same college. We greeted each other with hugs and hello’s. I asked her where she was off to and just like me she was on her break. She asked what I was planning to do and I told her I was probably going to go to the library to look up the classrooms for my next classes. Instead, I chose to hang around with her. We walked around campus, talking, laughing, and having a great time. We got in line for some arts and crafts booth that she always went to. I didn’t mind waiting with her. As we waited, I asked her, “So how’s you and [your boyfriend] Andy?” She replied, “Oh, we’re really great! My family and friends really like him.” I smiled and said, “That’s really nice. I’m happy for you guys.” Outside, I was happy. Inside, I was a little hurt. I know my feelings for her aren’t that strong but somehow I felt a little heartbroken.. even though I shouldn’t feel that way. There were two girls in front of us, picking their colors and shapes for the guy at the booth to use. We were second in line. She was facing the booth and I was slightly behind her left side. Suddenly, I really don’t know what came over me but I started to wrap my hands around her and I began kissing her neck. She began biting her lip as I worked my way higher and turned her around. We soon started locking lips, passionately. As soon as we finished, I felt guilty. I told her, “I know you love Andy.” She looked down then back at me and said, “And I know you have feelings for me.” I said, “I mean, I really care about you.. that’s all.” I knew from the look on her face that she knew I had feelings for her. She smiled and she was up next in the booth. After she got what she wanted, I walked with her towards her next class. After we said our “see you later’s” and “we need to hang out again soon’s,” and she walked into her classroom, everything faded to black. That was the end of the dream… or so I thought. I awoke. I was in bed. It was dark. I began trying to recollect what happened before I fell asleep. I was able to recall everything. That’s when I realized I only went to one class when I still had three more classes to go to that day. Worried, I kept wondering why I didn’t go to any classes and I ended up waking up like this. Slowly, I began fading away… into a nightmare. I was outside of my house, standing next to my car. It was night time. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew I was scared. My car had lines and symbols carved into the signs. As I went to feel the scratched surface, an icy cold chill ran across my body. I looked up to the second story of my house and there was a lady in the window looking down at me. I then began to sense something was coming after me. I ran towards the front door of my house. I banged on the door frantically, screaming for someone to let me in. I was on the verge of tears. No one opened the door until whatever was coming for me was at least 2 steps behind me. A lady opened the door and I ran all the way upstairs, hoping to find my parents. I needed to know where my parents were so I could feel safe. But they weren’t there. Just an old lady sitting on the bed. An older man ran up the stairs after me. He was carrying a mutilated body. Suddenly, there were more bodies around me. Death was surrounding me. I began crying. I thought I was going to die. Once again, I blacked out. I awoke again. My heart was beating fast. I didn’t know where I was. I was cut up, bloody, and unable to move. I was sitting against a wall. The wall was covered in blood. I didn’t even want to know if the blood was mine or not. There were people in the room. I couldn’t make them out because my vision was blurred as I was struggling to stay conscious. They were yelling. They started approaching me. I passed out. I awoke. Again. This time, I looked up and saw small beams of sunlight passing through the cracks between my window blinds. It was hot. I shuffled around a bit and I realized that everything I just experienced was only a dream. Everything. I was relieved that school hasn’t started yet. I was glad that I was not being chased by some evil entity. I was thankful that I was not mutilated. But most of all, I was deeply saddened to know that the whole experience with me and Kayla was nothing but a movie in my head. I’ve never experienced such dreams where I could remember so much detail until this morning. Who knows what dreams really are… Are they nothing but fantasy? I woke up with a bloody nose, splitting headache, and fatigue. What happened to me physically while I was trapped within the depths of my dreams? I know this couldn’t have been all in my head.